She
Arose
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and
mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the
body
home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her
in the
Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big
expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and
three
days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
Time's Up
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death
experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8
days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a
facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed
by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said
I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you.
The
Parrot
Three
sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to
give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a
driver."
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys reading the bible and you know she can't see very well? I
sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire bible.
It took twenty ministers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge
to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was
worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote
to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole
house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to
travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes
and the driver is rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the
only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious."
The Rib
God
noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am
going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean
and listen, she's perfect."
Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"